When I was younger, I used to make dua after every salaah. I used to ask for the things that every kid wants: the new video game, to go to some amusement park or place to eat, for me go to heaven, etc.  As I grew older however, I realized I focused less on making dua, and sometimes ‘skipped’ the dua part after salaah in entirety.

Part of it was me being lazy, but the other part was that as I grew older, I grew less dependent on other people, and unfortunately, without realizing it, started to feel less dependent on Allah (swt). I now had the freedom to make choices without asking my parents. If I wanted a new computer, I saved money. If I was was interested in someone, I would work hard to impress her.  By having the ability to achieve my goals myself, there was less of a reason to ask Allah (swt) for it.

This was where I was dead wrong.

We have to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens without the will of Allah (swt). Thought I would do some research on why making dua is important for my and everyone else’s benefit iA.

Benefits of making dua:

1. Becoming less arrogant – If you constantly ask Allah (swt) for something, you realize that you are not able to achieve it yourself and are powerless.
2. The fulfillment of the dua – We should know that Allah (swt) always answers the duas of people. However, it may not always seem so and many people, failing to experience the effects immediately, begin to feel dejected and put off. This should not be the case however, as Allah (swt), the All-Hearing, undoubtedly hears and accepts the supplications of people. Some duas are answered immediately, whilst those of others are deferred for their own benefit.
3. The doors of mercy are opened – Abdullah bin Umar (ra) narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said, “For whoever the door of Dua opened, for him the doors of mercy are opened…” (Tirmidhi)

There are certain things that one must keep in mind about duas:

1. The Prophet (pbuh) once said, “Dua is Ibadah” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, and Abu Dawud). Since it is a type of worship, it is something that we must always do. This is even to the extent that the Prophet (pbuh) said, “Allah is extremely displeased with the person who doesn’t do dua to Allah” (Tirmidhi).
2. As mentioned above, we should always make dua. Nowadays, we only say our duas when hardship befalls us and it is the last resort, when all else has failed. However, this should not be the case as the Prophet (pbuh) said, “Whosoever desires that Allah answers his duas in unfavorable and difficult conditions, he should make plentiful dua in days of ease and comfort.” (Tirmidhi)
3. Try making dua for others because if you do so, the same thing may also occur to you too. There are certain ayahs in the Quran such as the last Ayah in Surah Nuh, the meaning of which is, “O my Lord! Forgive me, my parents, all who enter my house in Faith, and (all) believing men and believing women: and to the wrong-doers grant Thou no increase but in perdition!” If you are to recite this verse, then you get a sin erased for every Muslim living in this world. Also, the Prophet (pbuh) said: “Whenever you make a supplication for another believer and he is not present, an angel will say ‘and same to you.’” (Muslim)
4. Have complete conviction that Allah will accept the Dua, because if you don’t, then there is a high chance it won’t be accepted. The Prophet (pbuh) said, “When anyone of you does Dua then don’t say “Oh Allah! Forgive me if you want”, “Have mercy on me if you want“, “Give me subsistence if you wish” rather believe completely that HE will do whatever HE wishes. Nobody can force Him.” (Bukhari)
5. There are several best times to make Dua:
1. The Prophet said, “Three types of people’s Duas are not rejected: 1) At the time of Iftar the person who has fasted 2) A just ruler’s Dua 3) The Dua of the oppressed.
2. Another Hadith listed another three in which the Prophet (pbuh) said: “Three Duas are such in which there is no doubt of their acceptance: 1) Father’s Dua 2) Traveler’s Dua 3) Dua of the oppressed”. (Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah).
3. The last third of the night. “In the last third of every night our Rabb (Allah) descends to the lowermost heaven and says; “Who is calling Me, so that I may answer him? Who is asking Me so that may I grant him? Who is seeking forgiveness from Me so that I may forgive him?.” [Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith Qudsi]
4. Between Adhan and Iqamat.  Anas (radiAllahu anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said: ‘A supplication made between the Adhan and Iqama is not rejected.’ [Ahmad, abu Dawud #521, at-Tirmidhi #212, Sahih al-Jami #3408, an-Nasai and Ibn Hibban graded it sahih (sound)]
5. An hour on Friday. There is an hour on Friday and if a Muslim gets it while offering Salat (prayer) and asks something from Allah (swt), then Allah (swt) will definitely meet his demand. And he (the Prophet [pbuh]) pointed out the shortness of that particular time with his hands. [Sahih al-Bukhari]Some have said that this hour is from the time the Imam (prayer’s leader) enters the mosque on Friday’s prayeruntil the prayer is over (ie between the two khutbahs), whereas others have said that it is the last hour of theday (ie after the Asr prayer until the Maghrib prayer).(Note: when we say an hour here we do not mean thehour everyone knows (60 minutes) but an unspecified period of time because the time counters which we usetoday came after the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) had died.

May the above information strengthen your resolve to make more Duas and may it benefit you in many ways. Ameen.

Finally, remember to keep me in your duas. JazakAllah Khair.

I sincerely hope everyone has had a blessed Ramadan so far, and that we can continue our worship and end off on a high note inshAllah.

As we get closer to the end of Ramadan and Eid, just wanted to write this post reminding everyone to pay Zakaat Al-Fitr before the end of Ramadan. Zakat Al-Fitr is obligatory upon every (capable) Muslim, whether male or female, old or young. The head of the household must pay this amount on behalf of his/her own self and on behalf of their spouse, children and even servants.

What it is:

Zakaat al-Fitr is an amount we give to charity and is given as food.  However, these days masjids and Islamic organizations collect money, and they buy food for poor people on your behalf.

When:

Needs to be given during Ramadan and before the Eid Prayer. There is one opinion that the food must reach the poor people before the Eid prayer. For this reason, if you are giving cash to a masjid or organization, it is in your best interest to give it as soon as possible so that they have enough time to purchase the food and distribute it.

How much:

Why:

Sakina Khan and Ali Dawood from Detroit. Sarah Tayyib and Jamal Qandeel from San Jose. Both pairs appeared firmly committed to Islam on a personal level and through activism in their local Muslim communities. For family and friends, they were examples of what an Islamically successful marriage should look like.

“People would say ‘you’re our model couple’” Khan said in an interview with Sound Vision. “In the beginning, I’d say we were,” she added.

“We were best friends,” Qandeel recalled of his marriage with Tayyib. “There were no differences in values or raising the kids or disagreement in terms of lifestyle, careers or friends.”

Today, both couples have divorced. Tayyib and Qandeel after over a decade because of her affair with another man. Khan and Dawood after more than five years together primarily because of his emotional abuse. These men and women represent a seemingly growing number of Muslims in North America choosing to end their marriages for various reasons, ranging from incompatibility to infidelity.

Divorce among Muslims: the numbers

According to the Rutgers University National Marriage Project, the American divorce rate today is more than twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting the highest point in the country’s history in the early 1980s. Overall, close to 50 percent of marriages started today will end in either divorce or permanent separation. In Canada, the divorce rate is about 37 percent.

In terms of divorce within the North American Muslim community, the last study conducted about this was in the early 1990s by the late New York-based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus. According to his research, the continental Muslim divorce rate stood at 31.14 percent, which he said was “a far cry from the Muslim world’s two highest divorce rates: Turkey and Egypt, with 10% each” (“Divorce Among Muslims” by Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Islamic Horizons magazine, July/August 2000 issue).

Today, that rate seems to be increasing.

“Divorce is on the rise in the Muslim community,” said Imam Mohamed Magid, vice president of the Islamic Society of North America, and Imam and executive director of the Dulles, Virginia based All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS) Center. “We have seen an increase in divorce from people married for a while and those married for a short time,” he said, adding that Muslims across the board are getting divorced in higher numbers. “It is not among a particular race or ethnic background or class or only among the religious or non-religious.”

“The most depressing thing for an Imam is to deal with family conflict and divorce because this is not normal. You feel down,” said Imam Ziya Kavakci of the Islamic Association of North Texas. Kavakci is also a member of the Fiqh Council of North America. He has served as Imam at his mosque for over two decades and said he sees at least one couple a day who are in conflict, including some who seek divorce. He believes divorce is a “rampant problem” in the Muslim community and that “the Ummah is a mess when it comes to marriage”.

“The most horrible Halal thing”

From an Islamic perspective, divorce is the legal route out of an abusive or unsatisfactory marriage for both men and women. There are detailed rules outlining the processes involved, as well as preliminary steps to help deal with conflict before that option is pursued. Historically, divorce in Muslim societies has strongly been considered a measure of the last resort, a step chosen after much negotiation and discussion, taking into account the long-term effects on all family members, especially children.

Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said “Of all the lawful acts the most detestable to Allah is divorce.” This view continues to guide many Muslims, even those who have chosen to end their marriages.

“Prior to my divorce, I wanted desperately not to be divorced,” said Zainab Awad of Washington, DC. “I didn’t want to feel like a failure, which is kind of how I looked at other divorced people, sad as it is to say that. That is why it took a while for the divorce to happen. Has it changed since then? Yes. Since then I feel that it is something that happens, it’s a part of life, and I don’t feel it is a bad thing necessarily, or rather it does not reflect badly upon a person.”

Ashraf Munir, a divorced father from Madison, Wisconsin, who ended his marriage after his ex-wife resorted to drinking and seeing other men when the couple would argue called divorce “the most horrible Halal thing you can do.” However, he added that, “I thought if something went wrong, I’d tough it out. But at one point, life gets so miserable, you understand there’s a reason it’s (the divorce option) there.”

Staying together “till death do us part”: a shift in the community

There clearly seems to be a move away from the attitude that couples should stay together even in the unhappiest of marriages for the sake of the children, a view once held by many Muslim immigrants.

“Historically, people from immigrant cultures will be more likely to stay in a marriage even if they’re miserable,” said Salma Abugideiri, a Reston, Virginia-based therapist who has counseled hundreds of Muslim and non-Muslim families for over a decade. “I don’t necessarily think that’s better. I think we tend to value an intact family over a healthy family. It’s a matter of perspective and what we prioritize and how we define what’s best for the kids.”

Others dispute that staying together for the kids was really for the children’s benefit in the first place. “The older generation stuck it out for saving face. It wasn’t for the kids. If they were, they would get out of it for the kids,” said Edmund Arroyo, a clinical social worker with the Oakbrook, Illinois-based Heartspeak Institute, who counsels both Muslims and non-Muslims.

For Humaira Basith of Chicago, the impending birth of her first child was the impetus to seek a divorce more than a decade ago. At the time, she was married to a man 10 years older than her who was verbally and emotionally abusive.

“I would not raise a child with him and pass on his absurdities to another human being,” she said, explaining why she chose to end her marriage of five years when she did. Basith added she did not want her daughter to be raised in a home where there was no harmony, since she and her ex-husband argued regularly.

The effects of divorce on children

Munir, the divorced father from Wisconsin, emphasized that the negative effects of divorce on a former couple are prolonged and painful when children are involved. “There is no finality to divorce with a child,” he said. “A divorce goes on forever because there is always a struggle over a child.”

More than 1 million children each year experience their parents’ divorce in the United States. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, at all ages, children frequently have psychosomatic symptoms as a response to anger, loss, grief, feeling unloved and other stressors related to divorce. It is not uncommon for them to try to play one parent against the other because they need to feel in control and test rules and limits. However, they are likely to feel guilty and responsible for the separation and feel that they should try to restore the marriage.

It is these negative effects that continue to give a number of warring couples pause before pursuing a divorce. “On the one hand, kids deserve to have both parents, but on the other hand, they don’t see a happily married family,” said Aneesah Nadir, president of the Islamic Social Services Association, explaining the dilemma.

While there is evidence that children of divorce face a higher risk of mental and other issues, research also notes that some factors can ease the pain for them. These include a positive temperament, an optimistic view of the future, consistent parental discipline, parental acceptance and warmth, and the maintenance of as normal a routine as possible.

“I think it really depends on how the divorce takes place as well as how secure the children were before the divorce,” said Abugideiri. “Children can be very resilient if they have good attachments with each parent and they’ve been nurtured properly. But children who, from day one, have experienced a lot of conflict in the house, they already will have issues.”

Qandeel’s parents divorced when he was ten and he said the experience was far from negative.

“I remember how relieved I was when my parents got divorced,” he said. “There was a coldness in the family. There was clearly no love or affection. The home was a cold place and even as a 10-year-old you see it.” He said after his parents’ divorce, his mother became happier and “my life improved considerably as a child.”

Today, he is grappling with this same struggle as he helps his two children adjust to the break up of his own family. He said that since they were quite young when he initially moved out months before the legal divorce from his ex-wife, his children don’t remember a time when the family lived together.

However, Qandeel remains ambivalent. Based on some of the artwork they have drawn since then, he has tried to get a clearer idea. He described drawings where “one kid is holding the hand of mom and another of dad but mom and dad not holding each other’s hands.” He noted though that, “they’re still happy pictures. I’m hoping that that’s telling me their mental development has not suffered too much.”

“I’ve seen parents that make sure they put their children first so even if the parents can’t get along, they’re cooperative, they’re civil, they don’t put the kids in the middle, they’re really decent about it,” said Abugideiri. “Those children fare the best. Children can get very torn if their parents put them in the middle or talk badly about the other parent or undermine the other parent’s authority. It could be anything from difficulty in school to low self-esteem to depression. Some kids will start acting out, especially as teenagers. They might run away from home, take drugs, take a girl/boyfriend. But it’s not a necessary outcome of divorce. There are lots of cases when the kids actually want the divorce if they’ve witnessed domestic violence.”

Stigma and community reaction

Basith said that when she divorced over a decade ago, there was plenty of rumor-mongering, finger-pointing and whispering behind the backs of she and her family in her local Muslim community. Divorce was like a death sentence.

“It was really hard for the family to see beyond the stigma,” she said, adding that at the time, there was no Imam with any counseling experience, no Muslim counselor or any other authority figure she felt she could turn to who would maintain confidentiality. “For me, there were no options,” she said.

That seems to have changed for the better, at least in urban centers with large Muslim populations like Chicago.

“The majority of the people interviewed have described a great deal of fear and apprehension about telling their families or Imams that they want a divorce. But once they divorced, they received more support than they expected,” said Julie Macfarlane, a professor at the University of Windsor Law School in Canada, who is conducting an empirical research project on the topic of Faith Based Dispute Resolution, and specifically Islamic Family Law as it relates to religious divorce. She has interviewed close to 200 Muslims, including divorced men and women, 45 Imams from across North America, as well as community workers dealing with the issue.

She added that in her research, she found more mosques were beginning to hire counselors to deal with issues of family conflict, and more Imams willing to admit they were not sufficiently trained to handle these challenges.

However, this support for divorcing couples is still not as easily available in cities with a smaller Muslim population.

“There was very little advice in terms of what I could do to absorb her anger, to make her feel better about her areas of concern, to make myself a better husband, to coordinate peace and truce between us to give things time to heal,” said Nasser Fares from Spokane, Washington, who has been divorced for over five years. “The community here is not very well developed so services like counseling and so forth are unavailable, especially to couples that do not have families here in the area,” he said.

Fares felt he and his ex-wife would have benefited from “professional support groups and counselors.”

“The usual female support group to a wife always makes her feel justified and the usual male support group for a husband always makes him feel justified. Those kinds of support groups are the worst thing for either spouse. You need real professional support groups that help you express your concerns in a constructive way that do not hurt the other spouse’s feelings, and also teach you to truly listen to what your spouse is trying to say,” he added.

But while support is growing in some places, the social stigma remains.

“A lot of times, women post-divorce feel like they’ve lost their community because they can’t socialize the same way. People blame them for the divorce,” said Abugideiri. “The divorced woman is excluded from social activities because she is ‘contagious’, which has no basis in Islam.”

This was the case for Linda Kortobi of Poughkeepsie, New York, after she divorced a decade ago. “I was lonely at Eids,” she recalled. “You become a liability to couples. No sister wants a young, single sister around her husband.”

In her case, because she was a convert to Islam, she also had to deal with the lack of support from her non-Muslim family, who had been hostile to her conversion. She said her family adopted an “I told you marrying a Muslim would do this” attitude towards her divorce.

However, Muslim men face a level of stigma in the aftermath of divorce as well.

“Many did not want to come forward to ask how I was doing (after the divorce), they were almost acting like they did not know what happened,” said Kareem Adly of Merrillville, Indiana. “Many Muslims, especially the older generation, do not want to ask about my past and in general do not like to talk about negative events in life. It is almost like it is a taboo subject.”

“The community needs to offer support to people going through difficult times,” advised Abugideiri. “When a couple divorces, that’s when they need the community the most. They need to continue to include each person. They’re still individual members of the society. Those children need to feel they’re not being looked down upon just because their parents had problems.”

Divorce is clearly a pressing issue in the Muslim community, even with the lack of statistics. Based on the experience of leaders, counselors and other activists, there seem to be nine major reasons that lead to divorce in the Muslim community.

The reason for divorce #1: In-laws

“Parents and other family members do not allow the young couple to develop their relationship organically and independently of the family,” explained Azam Nizamuddin, a Chicago-based attorney who specializes in family law, among other fields. Apart from general interference in the couple’s life, there are a few specific problems in this regard that lead to divorce amongst Muslims. Foremost among these is conflict between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.

In some cultures, particularly South Asian, according to Kavakci and Arroyo, a wife may be expected to live with her in-laws after marriage for economic and/or emotional reasons. This often leads to serious clashes.

“Men have to be sensitive to the fact that their mothers will not necessarily treat their wives well,” Arroyo said. “And they have to be willing to stand up against it.”

Kavakci was more forthcoming with his criticism. “The husbands are chicken,” he said and unable to protect their own nuclear family unit for fear of their mother’s displeasure. In his experience, a mother-in-law’s jealousy towards the daughter-in-law’s closeness to her son often causes problems in these scenarios and has led to divorce.

Arroyo explained that when a husband does not defend his wife in situations where she is abused, belittled or mistreated by his mother, that leads to distrust in the marital relationship, paving the way to more serious problems and possibly divorce.

In a setup where the wife lives with her in-laws, control of the household, privacy and cultural expectations are three of the biggest sources of tension.

“When a young man brings his wife to the household, he needs to consider: does she have her own room, her own space, can she be in a place where does not have to wear Hijab, for example, or does she always have to wear Hijab because of other people being in the house?” said Imam Magid. He added that in some cases, a wife cannot even cook her own meals “because the kitchen is the domain of the lady of the house, which is her mother-in-law”.

He added that cultural rules and expectations may also negatively affect how a daughter-in-law is treated, especially if she was born and/or raised in North America and her parents-in-laws come from abroad. Some of these include entertaining guests even if they are not her or her husband’s and serving her in-laws to the detriment of her marriage. “She does not feel she is given enough time to bond with her husband, she has to cater to more than one person,” explained Imam Magid.

He also noted that displays of affection between the married couple may also cause tension when in-laws share a household. “Can they hold hands in front of their in-laws? Can they sit close? One of the problems is that parents feel it is disrespectful. They feel all kinds of intimacy should be restricted to their bedroom.”

In cases where the wife will be living with her in-laws, the solution is to firmly establish parameters and boundaries in the relationship between the new couple and the in-laws from the start and for all parties to know and understand a wife’s rights from the Islamic perspective, according to Siddiqui.

Another growing problem in relation to in-laws is increased meddling on the part of a wife’s mother.

“More and more, I’m seeing mothers of the wives interfering,” said Shahina Siddiqui, President of the Canadian branch of the Islamic Social Services Association. In many situations, she explained that it’s a case of projection. These older women want what they didn’t have for their daughters and they may cause tension between the couple to get it, she said, whether that is freedom from household chores, advanced degrees or a fancy menu at the wedding.

Itedal Shalabi, co-founder and co-director of Arab American Family Services in Burbank, Illinois has found the same in her experience as a counselor, with mothers pushing for materialistic things they did not receive as wives. “Marriage is not about a $10,000 wedding ring,” she said, warning, “do you want the marriage or the materialistic things?”

The reason for divorce #2: Adultery and haram sex, offline and online

“If this was a one night stand, I could forgive. But she called him the love of her life,” said Jamal Qandeel of San Jose, referring to how his ex-wife described the man she had had an affair with. “It really came down to wanting more out of a marriage than being with someone who is a great person but that you are not in love with. And I was perfectly happy until I found out about the affair and then my love just disappeared.”

“Nothing justifies an affair,” he added. “If you hate it (the marriage) just leave it. Nothing is more destructive. An affair is far more destructive than a divorce. Usually when you have one you have other so you have the double whammy.”

“I look at her today, I don’t see the woman I love, I see the nanny of my children,” said Qandeel, referring to his ex-wife. “That woman died the day I found out about the affair. It just took me a while to come to grips,” he said painfully.

“This is the ultimate betrayal,” noted Siddiqui. “When you don’t feel revulsion to a sin like this you tend to rationalize it away,” she said. Adultery is clearly a growing problem in the Muslim community, especially given the highly sexualized environment in North America where movies, television, billboards, and the internet glorify sexual relationships outside of marriage and offer the false promise of excitement and gratification via illicit affairs. In some cases, especially where one of the spouses has always been faithful, adultery has led to mental breakdown. “Some people are so stunned they can’t believe it happened to them,” said Nadir.

Arroyo and Siddiqui both agreed that there are clear gender differences in how adultery affects marriages. Men tend to blame their wives, calling their character into question. Women, on the other hand, often blame themselves, wondering what they did wrong that led their husbands to commit adultery.

“It’s so difficult emotionally for a guy to get over that,” said Arroyo, adding that “it’s much easier for a woman to forgive her husband than a man to forgive his wife.”

Abugideiri said, “affairs are exit strategies. They basically happen when the marriage is not going well. One of the partners is not getting needs met and rather than confront the issue, they get their needs met somewhere else.” That includes, but is not limited to, sexual needs and dissatisfaction.

Abugideiri also warned that there is no age limit to adultery. She said she had recently counseled a Muslim couple in their 60s where the husband cheated on his wife. “I believe anyone is susceptible to an affair, which is why Islam has such clear boundaries about this.”

Imam Magid noted that there used to be a greater sense of fear and shame about adultery in the Muslim community. It is not the same today. However, he also emphasized that in his experience, a lack of religiosity and spiritual connection makes it more likely that a person will cheat on their spouse.

In addition, especially among Muslims who married at a younger age, “when they are in their 40s, they have a middle age crisis. Because they married young, they feel they’ve been with the same person too long and become bored with their relationship. So they start showing interest in someone else.”

Adultery leading to divorce isn’t restricted to in-person sexual and physical relationships, though. Siddiqui said that there are plenty of emotional affairs being carried out in cyberspace, what she describes as “adulterous foreplay”. In these scenarios, Muslims develop intimacy with members of the opposite sex at work or online through social networking sites like Facebook (www.facebook.com). She gave the example of one couple she counseled where the husband, after coming home from work, would immediately sit in front of a computer and share how his day went with a woman he had met online, instead of doing the same with his wife. “This is something you do with your spouse,” she said.

Sexual dysfunction, while long ignored in the Muslim community, is starting to be discussed more openly, according to Siddiqui, but there is still a long way to go. She said she has dealt with cases where dissatisfied spouses have come to her asking if it is Islamically acceptable to look at and fantasize about other members of the opposite sex to fulfill this need in their marriages.

Pornography adds to the pain

Pornography is a multi-billion dollar business. No longer is it restricted to sleazy magazines at the back of a store. Most of it is available online, easily accessible with a few keystrokes and the click of a mouse. More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (comScore Media Metrix) Muslims are not immune from it either.

“Young men call me crying because they’re addicted to pornography,” Siddiqui revealed. These are married Muslim men, she noted. “Porn is becoming a huge issue.”

The negative effects of pornography on Muslim marriages are two-fold, according to Arroyo. First, wives become self-conscious of their body image. They feel inadequate in the face of the airbrushed perfection of the women featured in such movies and pictures.

Then, since most Muslim wives do not approve of their husbands consuming pornography, which is also disallowed in Islam, they lose respect for their spouse. This, along with the feeling of being unloved are a clear “recipe for divorce,” he pointed out.

Sometimes, Nadir said, husbands who watch pornographic movies want their wives to do the same to learn how to please them in the bedroom. This lack of ability to communicate sexual needs in an Islamically acceptable manner is a problem. With little appropriate sex education offered in Muslim homes, as well as full-time and weekend Islamic schools, Nadir said young Muslims are talking about sex with their friends but they are not getting a “wholesome perspective about what sexuality and intimacy in a marriage are all about.”

Arroyo said parents must be on the front line in protecting Muslim marriages from pornography by helping their teenage sons steer clear of these damaging images from the start, which have an addictive component.

“You can’t expect a teenage boy to self-monitor that,” he said of online pornography. “As parents, we have to make sure to put whatever safety valve we can on that computer.”

The reason for divorce #3: Incompatibility

“Lots of people are aware in the beginning of their marriages that they are incompatible,” said Abugideiri. “But because of pressure to stay married, they stay together.”

A common problem she said is a difference in religious understanding, even in couples for whom Muslim identity is important to both spouses. “When they get married they discover they are at very different places on the continuum. For example, a couple get married and the husband wants his wife to wear Hijab and she doesn’t want to. It’s basically an incompatibility problem. Then the whole card of ‘you have to obey your husband’ has to be pulled. The initial problem was lack of compatibility,” she explained.

Other times, the incompatibility manifests itself much later in a marriage. “Sometimes when people get married. both of them are liberal or both of them are conservative. Then, one of them starts changing and the other person doesn’t. They don’t see eye to eye anymore, with one spouse concentrating on the spiritual versus the social aspect of life more, which leads to tension in the marriage,” explained Imam Magid. He added that this also applies to differences in ideological perspectives, such as “Sufi versus Salafi, Sunni versus Shi’i”.

This was the case for Awad of Washington, DC. “He became very controlling and was not the person I thought I married,” she said of her ex-husband. “Before we married, our relationship was open and understanding. After, it was more like he was the boss and I had to obey. When we married I was 22 and had plans to go to graduate school and work. After marriage he wanted me to throw away my plans and start having children.”

Awad’s example also points to incompatibility in life goals and dreams which Arroyo said, “starts to become an undercurrent to their other problems. That’s why it’s important to make life goals as a couple.”

Cultural differences are another minefield, especially amongst couples where one spouse is from abroad and the other raised in North America.

“When I would question or just discuss something he said, it was an insult to him that I didn’t accept his word as the final word,” Basith of Chicago said of her ex-husband, who came to the United States from India after they married. She was raised in the United States. Basith added that her uncles advised her not to “discuss anything with him” to avoid conflict.

“Sometimes we have cases where a man goes to North Africa and marries a woman who does not speak English. Abuse takes place because of frustration,” said Imam Magid. “In some cases of intercultural marriage from people of different backgrounds, the spouse cannot meet expectations because they were not raised in that culture.”

Compatibility among spouses in the Muslim community, Nadir noted, is often assessed based on short-term factors, like physical attractiveness and level of education, for example, instead of looking for qualities that will help a marriage succeed in the long run. “We don’t think long-term enough, that this person is going to be the father or mother of my children. And that you’ll be raising this kid with someone you can’t stand (if you divorce),” she said.

The reason for divorce #4: “Fairy tale” expectations

A major cause of divorce for many Muslim couples is unrealistic expectations of their spouse and their relationship. This is especially true in a culture where, for decades, gender roles have been challenged. The traditional husband as breadwinner and wife as homemaker is no longer a given in many families. The pressure to maintain two-income households means confusion over who does what and why. This often leads to the expectation that each spouse conform to both modern and traditional values.

“People want the best of both worlds,” explained Abugideiri “For the guys that means ‘I want a woman who is intelligent, independent and will help me financially’. That’s the best of the Western world. So they get married, he discovers that he also wants an excellent cook, a homemaker and a wife who will greet him with a smile when he comes home from work…and she’ll also take orders,” she added.

“For women they want a man who will value them as an independent person, somebody who will be an equal parent, friend, confidant and at the same time, they might be resentful that he’s expecting her to pitch in with the finances, he might not be a strong decision-maker, maybe he relies on her too much. They also want the man who is going to be the protector, the one who will be opening doors for them,” Abugideiri continued.

“As a community we are going through a transition,” she said. “As women understand more about Islam and what they have the right to demand in marriage, men don’t like the fact that a woman isn’t 100 percent dependent on him. There are a lot of power struggles happening.”

It’s these kinds of “fairy tale expectations”, as Nadir called them, that also lead to unrealistic views about day-to-day life in marriage. For women she has counseled, Nadir said there’s “the sense that he’ll always bring flowers, there will always be romance in the relationship. I think Muslim women who have kept their chastity deserve a fairy tale kind of relationship but it has to be balanced with the reality of life.” But while this may not be possible daily, “with training, a couple can learn to spice up their relationship, especially those who haven’t dated or seen their parents in a happy marriage,” she added.

For men, Shalabi noted that a wife’s appearance is a major subject of fairy tale expectations. She said a number of men in cases she has seen expect their wives to slim down drastically to pre-baby proportions after having children, for example, and don’t understand the role that biology and genetics often play in weight gain and loss. An additional expectation is that a husband can socialize and hang out with friends late into the night as he did before marriage.

The reason for divorce #5: Secular individualism a.k.a. The “Burger King Syndrome”

“On average, America has been moving in the direction of secular individualism, as can be seen in the general drift of our family trends,” noted the report The State of Our Unions 2007 by Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project.

Nadir has a catchier way of describing this individualism that is affecting more American marriages, including those of Muslims: the “Burger King Syndrome”, referring to the fast-food giant’s slogan “you can have it your way.” This, she said, is exactly what leads many Muslim couples she has counseled to divorce. “There is a lack of compromise in the marital relationship.”

The reason for divorce #6: Abuse

In the past, it was usually only extreme physical abuse that would push women, in particular, to walk away from a marriage. That is still the case in a number of Muslim marriages. Today though, as abuse is being recognized in other forms, such as sexual, verbal and emotional, these too are leading to divorce in Muslim families.

Emotional abuse was a major factor in Sakina Khan’s divorce, even though she did not initiate it. “I was always walking on eggshells around him, afraid to upset him” she said of her ex-husband Ali Dawood of Detroit. “He was easily irritable.”

“He became excessively angry over trivial oversights of mine such as using the wrong coupon or forgetting to lock the front door in daylight hours,” she explained. “This especially hurt the marriage as his anger was expressed through extended periods of silent treatment, mean demeanor and abandonment. He was convinced that my oversights were acts of disrespect toward him.”

Khan said the abuse included belittling, name-calling, public anger, threats and coming home at very late hours in the night with no explanation of where he had been. “He exhibited absolutely no regard for me as a human being, let alone as his wife and the mother of his children.”

In the end, her efforts to appease her ex-husband’s anger, as well as the involvement of Muslim community leaders to help resolve the issues in their relationship made no difference to him.

“My (ex)husband was adamant about wanting a divorce and the religious leaders and mediators involved felt he was unstable in this decision,” she said. “He made it clear that the house was not mine and that he wanted me out. Although, once the children and I left, he wanted us back. But I decided that I had exhausted every possible means toward change and that he did not exhibit any reassurance that his treatment of me would change if I returned.”

“There should be disapproval of any kind of abuse from community members,” she advised. “Men need to be more courageous and there should be more social responsibility if someone is out of line.”

The reason for divorce #7: Complete lack of preparation

“We’re preparing for the Walima but not the marriage,” quipped Nadir. She and other Muslim social service providers noted that there is often a lack of maturity and seriousness when young people, particularly, choose to marry. There is also little clarity about the primary reason a Muslim should go forward with a move which the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, described as “half of faith”.

“The purpose marriage is to serve Allah and to help each other get to Heaven,” said Nadir. “It’s about more than sex and having children. The purpose of a human being is to worship Allah. Too many young people, in particular, come into marriage for a Halal dating thing”.

“We just don’t have strong enough Taqwa, fear of God, and our understanding of marriage is weak,” said Siddiqui. “It all boils down to our young people having no clue Islamically how a marriage runs.”

The reason for divorce #8: Money

“A lack of understanding of spending and the habit of going into debts and loans create tremendous stress. Some spouses start creating their own financial planning because they don’t trust their spouse and when the other discovers that, they feel betrayed,” said Imam Magid.

Another issue is the student loan debt many Muslims have incurred long before debts from the wedding surface. Couples often walk into marriage burdened with thousands of dollars in student loan debt, creating further stress on their relationship.

Money-related issues can also lead to abuse. “A lot of women stay in an abusive marriage because they are not able to take care of their children financially, especially if they have always been stay-at-home moms,” said Shalabi. This puts Muslim women who are more financially stable in a better position to get out of these situations. “I’ve seen an increase in divorce among the younger generation. They say I’m not going to put up with this and live with someone for the rest of my life who I’m not happy with.”

However, a wife’s income can also exacerbate a warring couple’s relationship. From an Islamic perspective, a woman is not obliged to spend money she earns through employment or other sources, on her household. Her husband is completely responsible for this. However, if she chooses to, she may contribute to family upkeep, earning her a spiritual reward for doing so.

But the mantra of wives in many Muslim marriages in crisis has become “my money is my money and your money is our money,” said Imam Magid.

Arroyo noted that when this mentality pervades the marriage, wives expect to have their proverbial cake and eat it too. That means being able to work, keep all of their money for their own personal use, yet expect their husbands to maintain an unrealistically high standard of living. He said there are also cases where wives expect their husbands to pay them back if they buy something from their money for the household. This attitude only causes resentment and frustration.

“If it’s a good, functional marriage, where is the Rehma (mercy)?” asked Siddiqui, adding that wives in this situation can and should help husbands if they are struggling financially.

This cause of divorce also points to an attitude of gender competition versus gender cooperation. Imam Abdul Malik Mujahid is president of Sound Vision, and has spoken and written extensively about marriage, youth and other family issues. He explained that the move towards more materialism in the community in general is often the root of these problems, with neither spouse in struggling marriages willing to make the sacrifices necessary to ensure that the entire family unit moves forward successfully.

“It’s like driving a car,” he said. “There is one steering wheel and if both front seat passengers try to take control of it, that will result in a car crash. Among successful couples, there is an understanding that one person is the driver, the other the navigator. This helps them cooperate and work together to reach their destination safely.”

He emphasized that the Shura model of running family affairs, based on the example of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is the ideal way for spouses to complement, not compete with each other. This goes for not only financial matters, but all other issues in marriage as well.

Siddiqui added that money problems “can be worked out if people are serious about marriage.”

The reason for divorce #9: Lying or hiding vital information

Hiding or denying critical information about issues like physical and mental health history, immigration status and prior marriage, for example, is also a leading cause of divorce. Mental illness, still a taboo in much of the Muslim community, continues to be one area causing couples to break up.

“Sometimes people get married and they don’t know the person has clinical depression,” said Imam Magid. “That leads to mood swings and requires medication. Or people have anxiety or bipolar disorder. This sometimes leads to physical and verbal abuse.”

This was the case for Kareem Adly of Carbondale, Indiana and Najwa Basheer of Baltimore, Maryland. Both discovered after their marriages that their spouses suffered from mental illness, information which was not revealed prior to the wedding.

Adly said he initiated divorce from his ex-wife because of “unexplained emotional instability due to possible mental illness and falsifying information,” which he later found out about. He said he tried to help resolve the issues with his ex-wife, but she was unwilling to. She returned to her home state and refused to come back.

In Basheer’s case, she discovered a few months after her marriage that her ex-husband suffered from clinical depression, leading to anger and mood swings followed by weeks of her receiving the silent treatment for unknown reasons.

“He wasn’t able to express himself,” she said. “I knew he was a little quiet and I’m a little loud so I thought everything would be okay.”

That changed when she found him crying one day and her ex-husband told her he had had communication problems since he was a child.

“I thought I was the problem,” she recalled. “I was trying to see how I could change.” She began to suffer health problems like sudden weight loss and high blood pressure. Things became clearer when she went to see a doctor, a Muslim, who helped her understand what was happening.

“He said ‘you lost 25 pounds and you just got married. You’re not happy’,” Basheer said. He also asked if she felt like a “bird in a cage”. Basheer’s marriage ended after barely eight months.

Possible solution to divorce #1: Early education

Imams, community leaders and divorced Muslims interviewed suggest various solutions to help avoid the pitfalls of marriage crises resulting in divorce.

One of the main suggestions was more mass education in the Muslim community about marriage, its purpose, what to expect and how to make it work through Friday sermons, seminars, study circles, Islamic Awareness Week events, books and other outlets. Imam Magid emphasized that this needs to start very early on.

“We need to have incorporated in our curriculum of youth and Sunday schools what we mean by family,” he said. “As people get older, they can talk more about the husband and wife relationship.”

Nizamuddin emphasized that the mosque, as the premiere community institution, must be at the forefront of this campaign.

“I believe it is important for the community to provide seminars and workshops to young Muslim adults about the rules or Adab or Akhlaq of marriage as well as gender relations,” he said. “When I mean community, I mean first most the masajid and its leadership. While some young adults are educated and provided with a good upbringing from their parents and families, many are not.

“We are often taught by the elder generation, Khateebs and even parents not to ask questions generally, but in particular, not to ask controversial questions about gender relations and sexual matters,” he continued. “If some of our Masajid can stop their petty infighting, power struggles, and religious zealotry and instead focus more on providing important services such as counseling and educating young adults, then it would be a tremendous help to the community. Unfortunately, too many leaders of some Masajid believe that the only education proper at a Masjid is the primary sources of Islamic law.”

Possible solution to divorce #2: Properly understanding each other’s worldview before marriage

“People can hide a lot of things,” noted Nadir, of the process of finding out more about a person for marriage purposes. “You need to see a person in different circumstances.”

This is why she proposed a system of Islamic courtship as a solution to avoiding future conflicts in marriage that can lead to divorce. Courtship allows a prospective bride and groom to interact in a chaperoned setting, such as with family present or at least one family member with the couple when they meet. The system used to be common in the United States at the turn of the century, but has given way to the practice of dating, which is chaperone-free and often leads illicit relationships outside marriage.

However, others caution that it is the courtship system which has led to the existing dating format. They argue that after years of dating, fifty percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce, no amount of courtship can guarantee a successful marriage.

Possible solution to divorce #3: Premarital counseling

“No Imam should marry a couple without first requiring they complete Islamic premarital education,” advised Imam Magid. “The Imam should not be like a pizza delivery person, just do the Nikah and leave. Talk to them (the couple). I have some people who do premarital counseling and they decide not to get married.”

Research backs this up. Scott M. Stanley, a University of Denver psychology professor, reported in the journal Family Relations that 9 out of 10 couples who took premarital counseling considered it worthwhile — and were less likely to consider divorce within the first five years of marriage.

Shad Imam took Imam Magid’s premarital counseling sessions at the ADAMS center with his wife of over six years, Sana Pasha, in 2002.

“There was a period of about eleven months between our engagement and the wedding, and so we wanted to maximize that time by doing the counseling and discussing topics that we may have otherwise neglected to ask one another and get the Imam’s perspective on them,” he said.

“Imam Magid hosted five sessions of pre-marital counseling with us, in his office,” he said. “We covered topics ranging from ‘life after the wedding’ to ‘money issues’ to ‘anger management’. Imam Magid tried to touch on nearly all facets of married life through the counseling.

“Hearing Imam Magid’s perspective on married life went a long way to calm many of the fears we had about ‘working out’ as a couple. We realized that much of married life was about communicating with one another properly to understand one another’s perspective – as opposed to trying to ‘mold’ the other person.”

His only complaint about the program was that there was no follow up afterwards to see how the couples who attended fared. “The best type of pre-marital counseling would be one that includes marital counseling after the couple is married and has established a solid relationship with one another,” he said. “The premarital counseling would be much more effective if it continues into marital life as well.

Imam’s participation in premarital counseling reflects a growing awareness and desire among more Muslims to seek this kind of marriage preparation. “There is a lot of discussion of the need for premarital counseling,” said Macfarlane of the results of her research. “Especially premarital counseling that educates Muslim men and women on their Islamic rights and responsibilities in marriage.”

Possible solution to divorce #4: Prenuptial agreements

Imam Kavakci of Texas gives all couples who plan to wed at his mosque a prenuptial agreement. They can then notarize it and put conditions in it accordingly, making expectations, rights, rules and responsibilities clear from the start of marriage. This clarity helps avoid many conflicts that crop up after the wedding. It also has legal weight. “In courts, it is applicable,” he said. He added that he has explained the document to judges when they have needed clarification in applying it locally.

Kavakci also believes that Imams in the United States do not have the right to legally divorce anyone, only legally marry them. He said establishing a court system where Muslims can apply laws Islamically
is critical in ensuring that, for example, wives abandoned by husbands are not left in limbo, and all sorts of other abuses are kept in check.

“Anything that gives people clearer expectations helps avoid conflict,” noted Macfarlane, who is also a lawyer.

Possible solution to divorce #5: Early intervention

“A lot of times people wait too long to get counseling,” said Basith of Chicago, and one of the spouses has already “checked out of the marriage.”

Early intervention is key to working through problems that could easily save many marriages. Talking to both religious authorities and counselors to get an outsider’s perspective may be all some couples need to reconcile if this is done at the outset of difficulties.

“I have recommended counseling with a licensed and trained therapist or an Imam that I know,” said Nizamuddin, explaining one of the steps he pursues when a Muslim couple approaches him to divorce. “In my experience, they are quite helpful for a relationship that is falling apart. It is important for a couple having difficulty to talk to a religious authority to provide some religious guidance and instruction, lend an ear and provide Islamic guidance during this painful period.”

Possible solution to divorce #6: Use the power of spirituality

“Before you have a relationship with each other, you have to have a relationship with the Creator, otherwise, there is no self-policing in the marriage,” said Siddiqui.

“People should not enter marriage with the intention that it’s disposable,” advised Imam Magid. “You have to enter it with the mindset that you’re going to work hard. Some young people say ‘we’ll, see how it works.’ Marriage should not be used as a label to make dating Halal. It is a commitment.”

“There is no such thing as a perfect marriage,” said Siddiqui. “Human beings go through ups and downs. When we’re down, we help each other up. We don’t run when we’re down or take pride when we’re up.”

N.B. Most names and some details of the divorced Muslims interviewed for this article have been altered.

I would like to shed some light on the importance of “Seriousness”. Don’t under estimate your importance, because you are the meter by which the potential of our ummah (community) is measured. What does that mean? I’ll tell you. When sociologists what to predict which country will rise in the following few decades and which country will fall, they look at the youth, they study the condition of those who will be in charge of the country in the future. Let me give you an example of how this was applied.

The Muslims ruled Spain for 8 centuries during which they built a civilization that was superior to any other European country at that time. The Portuguese were always trying to end the Muslim presence in Spain but they knew that they could never confront them with military. So they sent their spies into Al-Andalusia to investigate the condition of the youth. When the reports came in describing how the Muslim youth used to compete in memorizing Quran and Hadith, or practicing Chemistry and reciting poetry, the sociologist would conclude that its impossible to drive them out of Spain as long as their youth were that serious about self-improvement. The centuries passed by until the time came when the spies would investigate the condition of our youth in Spain to find a young man weeping because his girlfriend left him. There was no longer interest in knowledge or anything fruitful. They were no longer serious about life. Then, and only then the Portuguese sociologists wrote their recommendations stating that the time was now suitable to root the Muslims out. We lived in Spain for 800 years, and we were driven out in 20 days!

Now take a look at us, the youth of the Muslim Ummah (community), do you think we are serious about self-improvement? Do we feel that we have a mission to
accomplish in this life? Do we feel that we have a message to convey? Are we serious enough to take the responsibility of this Ummah from those before us
and get it back up and running? How are Muslim students ranked in schools and universities? Are they serious about their education? How’s your younger
brother doing? Does he ever get up from in front of those video games? I’m not trying to depress you; there truly is an awakening amongst the youth of
our Ummah. I would be denying a fact if I didn’t notice that, but still we need to be more serious with our lives and dreams. They say that childhood
is energy without wisdom, and being an elder means having wisdom without energy, but youth and early adulthood is the best time you could achieve the
combination between both. So lets take advantage of it!

How big are your dreams? How dedicated are you to accomplish your dreams and your plans? Do you think you’re too young to contribute and have an impact
on your Ummah? Do you know how old Prophet Abraham (pbuh) was when he destroyed all those Idols and was thrown into the fire? The verse says,
“They said, ‘Who has done this to our gods? He must indeed be some man of impiety!’ They said, ‘We heard a youth talk of them: He is called Abraham.’”
(21:59,60). He was a youth, below twenty years of age!! You are not too young to contribute, but you must be serious about your mission in life, and
dedicated to it. What about Prophet Yahya (John the Baptist pbuh)? How old was he when Allah made him a Prophet? Allah says, “‘O Yahya! Take hold of
the Book with might’: and We gave him Wisdom even as a youth” (19:12). Can you feel the dedication in Yahya the young man? Take hold of the Book with
might! Come brothers and sisters, lets take hold of the Quran with might!!

You don’t have to conquer a city to prove you’re serious. Lets take some examples to show people that were dedicated in a different way. Look at
Margaret Thatcher, she is a non-Muslim, but she was a great example of seriousness and dedication. When Britain was at war with Argentina she
continued to wear only dark clothes for four years. Whether she wore dark or light clothes wouldn’t have an impact on the battle, but it was to show her
people that she was dedicated and serious, and that her life during this war has changed. Salahuddin promised himself not to smile until Jerusalem was
liberated; he wanted to prove to himself that he was dedicated to this mission.

Once Omar ibn Al-Khattab (rAa) saw a young man walking slowly like a weak, sick person, and asked him, “Are you ill?” When the man replied with no,
Omar rebuked him and said “We do not like, or accept that someone from the Ummah of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) walks like that!” So lets get up and raise
our heads, we’ve got a mission to accomplish. Look at Germany and Japan, how did they recover so quickly after World War 2? They had serious youth. They
are non-Muslims and look at how they developed themselves. Imagine if we become as serious, not only will we excel materially but also spiritually,
we will have a balanced civilization, we will deserve to be as Allah said about us “You are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind, enjoining what
is right, forbidding what is wrong, and believing in Allah” (3:110).

-Amr Khaled

I really was amazed by just how many ahadith (sayings and actions of Prophet Muhammad [peace be upon him]) revolve around the importance of good attitude and treating other people well, and hence, decided it was an appropriate topic to write about.

As a Muslim, whenever somebody asks me about my religion, I always reply with the obvious: we believe in one god “Allah”, pray 5 times a day, fast during Ramadan, pay charity, follow the Qur’an, our belief in Prophets, and I mention all the other various worshiping rituals that “define” a Muslim. However, after reading these ahadith and ayahs (sentences from the Qur’an) about the way we should act, the definition of a Muslim goes much beyond just worship – it also includes our actions. It is imperative for Muslims, along with the acts of worship, to be humble, merciful, unselfish, pious, modest, noble, straightforward, honest, cheerful people who have good attitudes and treat other people with the utmost respect.

Next time I’m asked about my religion, I will be sure to include our behavior as one of the aspects that define Islam and Muslims, inshAllah. At the end of the post is a short dua (prayer/supplication) that I hope we all can memorize and repeat on a daily basis.

The true Muslim has a good attitude in his dealings with others. He is humble, and is soft and gentle in his speech, following the guidance of Islam and the example of the Prophet (pbuh). The Prophet’s servant, Anas (ra), described the Prophet as  “the best of people in his attitude towards others.” In fact, Anas went on to say: “I served the Messenger of Allah for ten years, and he never said to me ‘Uff!’ (the mildest word of contempt in Arabic). If I did not do something, he never said, ‘Why did you not do such-and-such?” (Bukari and Muslim).

This is the description the servant of the Prophet (pbuh) gave! This demonstrates that no matter who you are interacting with, whether it be your boss or someone who works for you, treat them with respect and care.

In addition, the Prophet (pbuh) was not a person who used bad language or insulted others. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Bad language and vile talk have nothing whatsoever to do with Islam. The best of people in Islam are those who have the best attitude (towards others).” (At-Tabaraani, Ahmad and Abu Ya’la; its men are thiqaat [trustworthy]).

The Sahaabah (the companions of the Prophet, may Allah be pleased with them all) used to hear the Prophet’s noble moral teachings, and they would see with their own eyes the excellent way in which he used to deal with people. So they would obey his words and follow his example. Check this example out:

Anas (ra) said: “The Prophet was merciful. Nobody came to him without receiving a promise of his help, which he would fulfill if he had the means to do so. On one occasion, when the iqaamah (call for prayer) had been given, a Bedouin came to him, took hold of his cloak, and said, ‘I still have some matter outstanding, and I do not want to forget it.’ So the Prophet went with him and resolved the matter, then he came back and prayed.” (Bukhari: Al-Adab al-Mufrad).

SubhanAllah. I really was truly amazed by this hadith. I can only imagine how busy the Prophet (pbuh) was – he was a father, a husband, a businessman, a teacher and ultimately the leader of the Muslim community. Yet he made it a priority to address every person’s concerns/problems no matter who he or she was. Nor did he get upset with the man for pulling on his cloak or object to resolving the matter before the prayer, because he was building a just society, teaching the Muslims by his example of how a Muslim should treat his brother, and showing them the moral principles that should prevail in a Muslim community.

Islam also describes those who have the best attitude towards others as being the most beloved to Allah of His servants. This is seen in the hadith of Usaamah ibn Shurayk, who said: “Some people came to him [the Prophet] and asked, ‘Who is the most beloved to Allah of His servants?’  The Prophet (pbuh) replied: ‘Those who are the best in attitude towards others.’” (At-Tabaraani; its men are rijaal as-saheeh).

It comes as no surprise that the person who has the best attitude towards others should also be the one who is most beloved to Allah, for good treatment of others is an important feature of Islamic law. It is the most significant deed that can be placed in the balance of the Muslim on the Day of Judgment. It is equivalent to prayer and fasting, the two greatest bases of Islam, as the Prophet (pbuh) said:

“No greater deed will be placed in the balance than a good attitude towards others. A good attitude towards others will bring a person up to the level of fasting and prayer.” (Tirmidhi and Al-Bazzaar; its men are thiqaat.)

Another hadith that the Prophet (pbuh) said: A good attitude is a blessing and a bad attitude is a calamity. Piety lengthens life and charity will prevent a bad death” (Ahmad; its men are rijal as-saheeh).

The Prophet (pbuh) asked Allah to make his attitude better, even when Allah had described him in the Qur’an as being “on an exalted standard of character.” (Qur’an 68:4).

This is a clear indication of the Prophet’s (pbuh) deep concern and earnest desire that the Muslims should continue to seek to increase in good attitudes, no matter what heights they had already scaled, just as their Prophet (pbuh) continued to seek to increase in good attitudes through his dua (see below for dua). “Good attitudes” is a comprehensive term which includes all the good characteristics that human beings may acquire, such as modesty, patience, gentleness, forgiveness, tolerance, cheerfulness, truthfulness, trustworthiness, sincerity, straightforwardness, purity of heart, and so on.

The one who sets out to explore the Islamic teachings on social issues will find himself confronted with a host of teachings that encourage every single one of these noble attitudes. This is an indication of the intense concern that Islam has to form the social personality of the Muslim in the most precise fashion. So it does not stop at mentioning generalities, but it also deals with every minor moral issue that may form individual aspects of the integrated social personality.

One of the Prophet’s (pbuh) duas was as follows: “Allahumma ahsanta khalqi fa ahsin khulqi (O’ Allah, You have made my physical constitution good, so make my attitude and behavior good also).” (Ahmad; its men are rijal as-saheeh).

JazakAllah Khair, and Allah knows best.

source: The Ideal Muslim by Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know.” [Soorah Al-Baqarah, v: 216]

When my daughter was 2 years old, she loved to play with the water in the toilet.

Yes, that’s right….the toilet.

Yuck!! That’s nasty! You would say.

But to her, that was the delight of the day! Splish…splash!

To her there was nothing like it! And so when I would prevent her from it, she would scream and cry and wouldn’t want to stop. She didn’t understand how harmful that was for her. In her little mind, I took away something that she really enjoyed.

And when I would take her to the doctor to have her immunization shots, she didn’t understand either. She would howl at the top of her lungs at the first sight of the needle and would run the other way. It would take two of us just to hold her down! To her, frankly, it was plain torture! Her innocent little mind simply could not even begin to understand how, on earth, could being tortured by a needle, be good for you?!!

She didn’t realize that this ‘needle’ will InshaAllah protect her from certain illnesses and harm that is much more severe than the prick of this little needle.

So what’s the point here?

The point I am trying to make is that we, as parents sometimes do things for our kids, out of our great love and concern for them, which they may not understand. They do not see the wisdom behind it, although we do, and so we carry out those things because we know it will be better for them.

“And for Allaah is the Highest example.” (Surah Nahl:60) وَلِلّهِ الْمَثَلُ الْأَعْلَىَ

So when Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta’ala, in His Infinite Wisdom, tests us with a situation that we think is difficult or takes away something that in our mind was good for us, we need to remember that perhaps it may not be so. Perhaps if we had continued in our way, it might have been harmful for us and whatever Allaah decreed for us is actually better for us, for He is All-Wise and All-Knowing.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know.” (Surah Baqarah: 216)

Al-Hasan al-Basri said: “Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.”

Remember that we are dealing with the One who is Arham ar-Raahimeen, the Most Merciful of all that show mercy. All the mercy that we have in this world from Adam (Alaiyhi Salaam) to the Day of Judgment is only one hundredth of the Mercy of the Most Merciful. And He is Most Wise. He knows and we don’t know.

So have faith in Him and trust in Him and although, sometimes we may not understand the reason behind certain things, know that as long as you obey Him, whatever He will do for you is, in fact for your betterment.

So if Allaah didn’t give you that big house, or that nice car you wanted or that big raise you were hoping for, know in your mind and believe in your heart that it is actually better for you. Who knows…..maybe that big house, that car or that money would have become a source of ‘fitnah’ for you….Perhaps you would have become arrogant and conceited because of it, and Allaah saved you from it. Because, you know that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Any one in whose heart is even a mustard seed’s worth of pride will not enter Paradise.” (Muslim)

And if you have been sick and suffering, sure it is not easy. But again, know in your mind and believe in your heart that it is indeed better for you. For, if you bear patiently, it will be a means of expiation for your sins and a source of great reward.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:“There is nothing that befalls a believer, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allah will record one good deed for him and will remove one bad deed from him.”(Muslim)

And: “On the Day of Resurrection, when people who had suffered affliction are given their reward, those who were healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world (when they see the immense rewards for the afflictions they suffered).” (Tirmidhi-Saheeh by al-Albaani)

If Allaah took away a dear, loved one, believe, from the bottom of your heart, that surely this was better. For, you never know, had the one who passed away lived longer, may be his or her life would have been one of sins and disobedience and Allah, out of His Mercy, took him before that….in a state of Imaan (belief).

And if life has been difficult, worries surround you and calamities after calamities befall you, hear the good news from the Prophet (peace be upon him):

“Trials will continue to befall the believing man and woman, with regard to themselves, their children and their wealth, until they meet Allah with no sin on them.” (Tirmidhi– saheeh by al-Albaani)

Subhaan Allaah!

No sin?!

And what is it from this world that you wouldn’t give up, just to meet Allah with no sin??!!

Remember that the One Who is testing you is the Most Wise, the Most Merciful and the Most Loving…..and that He did not send this calamity in order to destroy you….or cause you pain or finish you off. Rather, He is checking on you, testing your patience, acceptance and faith; it is so that He may hear your du’a and supplication, so that He may see you standing before Him….seeking His protection….filled with humility and complaining to Him, alone.

The difficulties you face is a reminder for you to return to Allaah and ask for forgiveness from Him. Who knows… if He didn’t give you the difficulty, maybe you would have strayed from Him far, far away…

Ibn Taymiyah said: “A calamity that makes you turn to Allaah is better for you than a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allaah.”

Thus in our times of trouble, when we go through pain and suffering and in our times of loss, we need to trust Allaah. We need to keep in mind that as long as we fear Him and try our best to obey Him, He will never do us wrong. He will protect us and guide us and do the best for us, no matter what the situation apparently looks like. Allaah says in a hadeeth Qudsi:

“I am as my slave thinks of me and I am with him whenever he remembers me.” (Agreed Upon)

It is actually a sign of our weakness and shortsightedness, that we tend to focus on the calamities themselves, without paying much attention to the benefits that they may bring. We also forget to look at all other innumerable blessings that we enjoy and see around us.

Our minds, our logic and our senses cannot even begin to fathom the Wisdom, the Knowledge and the Hikmah behind Allah’s decisions and verdicts. It is He who is the Wise….it is He who is the Just and it is He who is the Knower of the unseen. If we trust in Allaah, He will suffice and it is He who will grant us goodness in any situation and under any circumstances.

“And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.”(Surah at-Talaaq:3)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“If you put your trust completely in Allah, He will arrange for your sustenance in the same way as He provides for the birds. They go out in the morning with their stomachs empty and return filled in the evening.” (Tirmidhi-saheeh).

So trust Him….for, there is much reward in trusting Him…..it is Jannah. And there is sin in distrusting Him. Calamities and disasters are a test, and they are a sign of Allaah’s love for a person. They are like medicine: even though it is bitter, yet, in spite of its bitterness you still give it to the one whom you love….

“The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allaah loves a people He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure but whoever is discontent with that earns His wrath.” (Saheeh al-Tirmidhi)

by Asma bint Shameem
Taken from Dr. Farhat Hashmi’s site

Sometimes love is unexpressed, affection is unspoken of, especially when you can’t find sufficient words to articulate your thoughts or to precisely express your feelings. I’ve often found myself in awe when speaking about Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). Whenever his name is emanated from minarets, or recited during prayers, or mentioned in hadiths, I feel delighted, my heart palpitates with deep emotion; but my tongue feels constantly bounded to repeat, fearing to slip into exaggeration, the echoing, everlasting, and spiritually-rejuvenating expression, salla Allahu ‘alaihi wasallam.  But to further console my heart, I usually say…

Beloved Prophet, kindly accept my apology
Your love is but a belief and theology.
It has always revived my soul
But expression is beyond my control.

In an authentic hadith narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) instructed his companions saying,“None of you can have (real) faith until I become dearer to them than their own fathers and children and all humans. “ In another version, he added “and even more than you would love your own selves”.

The Qur’an further warns us to dedicate our hearts to nothing  more than Allah, His Prophet and striving in His cause,

(Say, “If your fathers and your sons and your brethren and your mates and your kinsfolk and the property you have acquired and the trade in which you fear a decline and the dwellings you like are dearer to you than Allah and His Messenger and than striving in His way, then wait till Allah brings about His command,” and Allah does not guide the transgressing people.) (At-Tawbah 9:24)

Ways of Expressing Love

Throughout history Muslims have expressed their love for Prophet Muhammad, in various ways. Poets have always competed to praise Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and voice their love for him in lyrical, chiming words. Singers have used their sonorous voices to sing eulogies and love for the Prophet. Great authors and writers compiled books highlighting his noble character, personality traits and marvelous achievements. Sheikhs and Imams have prepared powerful speeches about the Prophet, underscoring his fabulous contributions to humanity. Among all these people there were those who exceeded the limits in extolling the Prophet, while others tried to remain within the acceptable boundaries of permissible eulogy.

Nevertheless, the best and most effective form of expressing one’s love for the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is the embodiment of his great teachings and the adoption of his great example as away of life. As the Qur’an puts it,

(You have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a good example for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day, and who engages much in the praise of Allah.) (Al-Ahzab33:21)

Such type of love is so dynamic, so lively and inspirational. It actually proves your dedication and devotion, your sincerity and genuineness, your seriousness and enthusiasm,  your affection and attachment to the Prophet and his mission. Conversely, a person who claims to love the Prophet while in reality he/she is too far from his Sunnah, does nothing but pay a lip service, for real love is tested by actions.

Therefore, a Muslim should spare no effort to learn about the Prophet, his lifestyle, his manners, teachings and directives in all walks of life. Such knowledge is called the seerah (biography). Etymologically, the word seerah comes from the root verb sara, which means to travel or go on a journey. A person’s seerah is his/her journey through life; his birth, his life and his death, and his manners and characteristics, his accomplishments and contributions. So a true follower of the Prophet is expected to seek knowledge through the Prophet’s seerah; his early life, his mission and patience, his struggle and mission, his leadership and diplomacy, his spirituality and mentorship, his seriousness and sense of humor, his parenthood, his friendship, his education – simply his comprehensive way of life.

Such extensive knowledge of the seerah is a roadmap for travelers on the path o flife, an enlightenment in the midst of perilous times, and a detailed explanation for success in this world. Describing the goal of the Prophet’s mission, the Qur’an tells us that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has been but “a mercy to the worlds” (rahtmut-un-lil-’aalameen). That means his messages brings nothing but peace, love, kindness, and pleasure to the entire humanity. Unfortunately, many Muslims have gone far away from the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). Some have abandoned it completely, replacing it with different ideologies and various life styles. Some have focused on a particular aspect of the Prophet’s life, therefore lacked balance and equilibrium. Others have clung to their cultures and traditions, and due to their ignorance of the seerah, they failed to distinguish between what is cultural and what is religious, what is historical and what is divine. As a result, some of our youth have fallen victims to many deviant intellectual trends such as extremism, rigidity, radicalism, and even violence. Such repulsive ideas and erroneous ways of life would not have found way to the Muslim Ummah had they been trained in the light of the seerah of the Prophet that offers vibrant principles of life and practical ethics for the daily conduct suited to the whole world.

Therefore, we need to revive our love and veneration for Prophet Muhammad, (peace and blessings be upon him), by studying and reflecting on his exemplary way of life, teaching his seerah to our children and youth. Not in the form of recounting interesting stories that entertain them, but in the form of learning and seeking guidance to help them understand life and flourish with faith and good actions.

By Sheikh Tamir Ali. Sheikh Tamir Ali holds a BA in Islamic Studies from Al-Azhar University. He is currently the Imam of the Edmonton Islamic Academy, Alberta. He is the author of “Portraits from the Life of Muhammad” , ” The Weapon Against Despair” and other books.

1. A chronic negligence of the Arabic language
2. Preference is given to other sources prior to the Qur’an
3. Dark depression that one, as a layman, is not able to comprehend nor understand the message of the Creator to Humanity

I would like to address the third point as I feel it is really the cause for points one and two. Many feel that they are unable to approach the Qur’an, draw conclusions from its lessons and articulate its beautiful message in their daily lives. Thus, we have an Ummah cut from it umbilical cord, frustrated, spiritually tired and on the verge of collapse. The further we draw back from our relationship with the Qur’an our reference for life is replaced by other sources. In my eyes this is one of the major reasons for the problems we see in our communities:

1. A brother who spent the majority of his pre-pubescent and early adult life listening to DMX, 50 Cent and Biggie is going to surely have issues when he gets married. When his wife trips his mind will not revert to the statement of Allah, “And live with them (your wives) in an honorable manner.” But instead, “Girl $#$%^*!” Or perhaps he will go back to his Tommy Vercetti and try to take manners into his own hands?

2. A sister who makes here seven circuits around the black elevator at her local mall once a week. Who busies herself looking at the Sunday news papers in order to get, “The Best deals” and “The finest clothes” and compounds that with a 62 ounce Big Gulp of films, songs and Internet sources that can only increase the desire to have and be, has to really start to ask some hard questions. What type of wife will she be to a brother involved in the struggle for dawa? I’ve seen many of the sisters involved in seeking knowledge and the dawa sell their fellow brothers out and opt for a high flying Muslim Donald Trump who doesn’t practice. Then after some time she’s gone from the work and we lose an important piece to the puzzle. They leave the brothers, who’ve made sacrifices for the din trying to find Condoleza Right, and settle for the comforts of this life. No doubt we should be taking care of our sisters, but those brothers involved in the Dawa are in need of the best sisters. But, if those sisters, leave those brothers on the front lines empty handed, then the dawa takes a hit (Before any sisters start to burn their Mothers of Believer CDs don’t worry the same applies to brothers who leave the sisters in the dawa and run after the latest Aishwarya Rai).

These are the outcomes, perhaps a bit over the top, of materialism and selfishness (look at the crazy cost of mahrs these days). If our constructs are based on revelation, strong tarbiyah and a correct understanding of community many of these problems would, not go away but, be addressed with the medication of revelation and communal support. However, we are constantly hounded with the fact that we are mere ‘Awam, Qur’anic illiterates lacking the basic skills to interpret the Creators message. In turn, this has led to another phenomenon:

hijrah from the Qur’an.

Sh. Muhammad al-Hassan Walid al-Dido al-Shanqiti [may Allah preserve him] stated that the Qur’an’s verses were divided by the scholars into the following:

1. Those verses who’s meanings are only known to Allah (for example alif lam mim)
2. Those verses who’s interpretation must be done by those who are specialized scholars, have finished a sound curriculum of study and are recognized by the fellow contemporaries
3. Those verse that can be explained by the serious students of knowledge who have access to scholars and resources
4. Those verses that are understood by the common person. For example, “Say He is Allah the unique.” or “And there is nothing like Him.”

Verses found under the fourth category are understood by all. They are clear and offer a treasure of lessons for those who sit and ponder on them. We must bring back this understanding to Western Muslims who are struggling to uncover the true essence of their identity, role and purpose. If the common Muslim is disconnected from the roots of his identity then it is not fair for religious leaders to blame them, nor chastise them for something those very religious leaders forbade them from. The Prophet’s [may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him] companions [May Allah be pleased with them], if they lost the rope that tied their camel, would seek the answer in the Book of Allah. Then what can we say about those who are trying to find the answers to their purpose and identity?

Action Items:

1. Start a weekly halaqa of Qur’an in your home. Read a few verses and discuss them as a family or by yourself (if by yourself keep a diary of what you’ve read and your thoughts. Then, when you have a family, you can use what you’ve written)

May Allah bless us to love the Qur’an, read it and act on its profound lessons

Akhukum Suhaib

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Taken from Imam Suhaib Webb’s website: www.suhaibwebb.com

An Advice for the Serious Future Student Who Wants to Go Overseas – Br. Abdul Sattar

Many of us have a desire or a dream to go overseas to study Islam. We have images in our heads, of basking in the glow of the minarets of Madinah, or sitting in the shade of the courtyard of Al-Azhar, or kneeling in a village in Mauritania, or sitting in the musallah at Deoband, and hearing the Heirs of the Prophet – the ‘ulama - pass their inheritance to us. Many look forward to the days that they will be able to seek knowledge and grow in their Deen.

Many of us however, while professing to love knowledge, and aiming to seek it (one day), have made a fatal mistake that may hamper us for the rest of our lives (if we believe in opportunity cost), or will at least hold us back from what we could have achieved. How?

In our dreaming about the future, our hoping about studying in the days to come, our planning about seeking this blessed life-giving water, we have completely, utterly, and carelessly neglected to seek knowledge – in the present. In the here, and now.

“Time is the substance of life, the sphere in which man exists, the citadel of his spirit, and his subsistence-him benefitting himself and others.” -Sh. Abdul Fattah Abu Ghuddah

1. Many of us ignore our local resources (scholars), some of them giants in the Islamic sciences, thinking that one day we will sit overseas and seek knowledge. Yet, if we truly loved knowledge, if we truly loved it – would we not aim to get every drop that we could get? If we knew that something from the inheritance of the Prophet was available in our cities, would we not rush to make some time in our busy lives that we might partake from its blessing? So is it the knowledge of Allah’s deen that we love, or have we fallen in love with the journey to a far away land where we think we will find enlightenment? Is it the knowledge of the Prophet’s Sunnah that we love, or is it the romance, mystery, excitement, and adventure of going to a place where we think we can disconnect from our lives and find some guidance? If it was the knowledge that we sought, and not simply an adventure to fulfill our desires, would we not rush to the knowledge in our cities and towns, as we rush to the prayer when the muezzin says: “Hayya ala al-Falah?” (Hasten to Success)?

When there are ‘ulama, organizations, halaqaat in our cities and localities, resources available online with live teachers, so much wealth at our fingertips – how is it that I can profess to want knowledge – yet ignore it when it is laid at my feet? Time is slipping away from you and me, every second, and each second in which we did not seek to learn testifies against our saying: “I love to learn about Allah’s deen.” Each second in which we found some reason or another to say: “I don’t like any of the scholars in my area” is another second that testifies against our saying” “I wish to study Islam”.

Do our hearts not respond with every verse of Quran that we hear in Arabic that we do not understand crying: “If only I could understand you!” How then, when we know this knowledge can be found in our own cities in the West, have decided that other things are more important and not at least dedicated SOME spare time to seeking out this knowledge?

Perhaps it is simply that we were not made aware of these resources or thought they weren’t available. In that case, there is no problem. inshAllah we can make the effort to seek them out and find them, attaching ourselves to them and grow in our understanding of Allah’s Deen.

2. It is understandable that many of us have lives to live, rizq to earn, families to feed, and education to gain. However, our spare time, the weeks we have on our breaks, the weekends, those commute times to school or work, those moments in the car,  - we have discarded them as if they didn’t exist for the seeking of ilm - precious seconds of life and breath that were gifted to us.

If we understood what it meant to seek knowledge, as Muhammad ibn al-Hasan ash-Shaybani, the great Hanafi jurist and one of the founders of the school did – we would fall asleep as he did reading the books of knowledge, and everytime we became bored of one subject or felt drowsy, we would switch to another, and another, and another until sleep overcame us, using cold water to stay awake.

If we understood that that seeking ilm is not a one year, two year or five year oddessy overseas, but a commitment to build our understanding of the deen every day of our lives, we would take the time to organize ourselves, seek a scholar, a halaqa, an organization, a system, that could take us and provide us a better understanding in an organized, methodical, and goal-oriented fashion. We must ask ourselves, “am I truly so occupied that I do not have time (and this is possible), or am I lazy, or do I have so much pride that I do not like the background, speaking style, or opinions of the scholars around me so I will take nothing from them?”

SubhanAllah dear brothers and sisters, so many resources we have that we can have such an experience in our spare time. Let us make the intention to take advantage of them. We have fallen into the trap of seeing the seeking of knowledge as an event, or a phase in our lives, a future endeavor - instead of an obligation, a love, a mision to be undertaken from now until the day that we die. Instead of a process of self-improvement to be sought from today until our last breaths. And in this trap, we have ignored all of the many opportunities to grow in our understanding of His Religion.

3. It is the Sunnah of the ‘Ulama and the Salaf to seek knowledge in their locality FIRST, and THEN to travel, and this is the most sensible option for the student.

We should be aware of the power, blessing, and greatness in travelling for knowledge. Verily, according to the Prophet (saw), the fish in the seas and the beasts of the Earth supplicate and pray for the travelling student of knowledge! Ya Allah! But we should also know that it is the tradition of the scholars that they would first seek knowledge from the people around them as much as they could, and then travel to increase their knowledge.

For those people who wish to study seriously and understand the Quran through its own language, they should know that there are many basic sciences that can be understood to a very decent level, by studying with the many institutions in their own localities, especially in major cities with large Muslim populations, such as Sarf, Nahw, and basic vocabulary. Why go to a great university to study multiplication tables when you can go there to study engineering? But if we are too lazy to learn the basics at home, or cannot find the discipline to place it into our lives, it is our loss.

As our mentor Imam Suhaib said:

“The way of the salaf was to seek knowledge in their localities, then move out. Waiting to study with scholars overseas could be a sign that one lacks sincerity to the knowledge since, at that point, they may be following their desires instead of following the knowledge. In other words, if one is sincere to the knowledge, he will seek it even in Kansas. In addition, if one loves the knowledge, he will take it wherever he can like Musa. In other words, by failing to use local resources, this could be the greatest sign of spiritual malaise, intellectual deficiencies and riya (showing off).”

It is our own seconds that have passed without a deeper understanding of God and His Revelation. Our own prayers that have passed with verses we could not comprehend.

4. Death approaches…

5. HOW (And this specifically for the one who wishes to go overseas and study Islam formally living in a major city in the West)

A. Begin with learning the Arabic language, as it is the key to the Quran and the key to Knowledge. Find a mode of learning and stick with it consistently with a teacher or institute. There are many online resources as well, with live teachers and distance learning – shariahprogram.ca, http://www.islamicau.org/, Sunnpath, and many others. A live teacher is best.

Learning Arabic at an introductory level has three aspects that your Arabic class will provide you:

Sarf- the Science of Morphology, how the Arabic letters can be placed into specific forms to create words and meanings. One can consider this similar to learning the multiplication tables. It is difficult sometimes, but without those tables, there is no engineering, no computer, nothing. Similarily, knowing this science, no matter how one learns it, is the foundation of one’s understanding.

I remember three years ago, I was studying my lessons in Sarf and was irritated at how annoying it was to learn all the different forms, until one day I was learning the pattern of مُفَعَّلٌ and realized that it was from this pattern and its meaning that the word مُحَمَّدٌ comes – the name of our beloved Prophet, whose very name means “The One Who Is Praised” because of the way his name is formed. I remember a tear going down my eye as I sat on my dining table and resolved to finish learning my lessons. No matter how hard or mundane it may seem to begin with, it is worth sticking through it.

Nahw – If Sarf is learning the multiplication tables, Nahw is like learning Algebra and Trigonometry. It is here that we begin to understand the structure, heart, and system of the Arabic language so that we can dive into the ocean of the Quran.

Basic Reading and Vocab -No matter how much grammar and how many rules one may know, it is useless if one doesn’t know any words, and is not used to reading or speaking the language. Thus, Arabic classes will have a reader or children’s text that we can use to practice our reading and build our skills as we grow in the language.

B. Begin to study the Quran, sitting in a tafsir class (if you have time) that may be available in your area or masjid, and memorizing it, starting with the 30th and 29th juz, and then starting with the 49th Surah of the Quran till the end (al-Mufassal). One of our mentors (hint hint look at the site address bar!) told us that one cannot even be considered a student of knowledge without memorizing the Quran. This should not discourage us or make us feel inadequate, rather, we should feel the importance of committing the Quran’s words and meaning into our hearts. It doesn’t matter how much you finish – what matters is that your heart is constantly increasing in how much Quran it holds, and that your limbs increase in how much Quran they implement.

C. Begin to seek knowledge consistently, and constantly, in an organized fashion. Do not simply seek Iman boosts any longer, but begin to seek those things which will increase your understanding of the Deen and place your roots deeper into the ground. Find a teacher in your area and begin learning.

Your motivation:

Imagine standing in Salah in Ramadan during Tarawih, as each verse, each word, opens up its meaning to you and imparts to you the message that your Lord gave to you. Imagine knowing the meaning of the words, and imagine knowing what your Lord is asking you to do as you hear them.

InshAllah my beloved brothers and sisters, if we make the effort, this will be a reality for us, but it is something we must earn.

And Allah knows best.

Abdul Sattar

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This article was taken from Imam Suhaib Webb’s website, which is www.suhaibwebb.com